Waiting til she's 18

I told a couple more of the folks last night that I'm pregnant and when they asked when I'm due, I think they were a little surprised when I said end of May...that would be 4 months from now. Why didn't I reveal sooner? well...

Since 2002, I've had (count them) 4 pregnancy losses. One before z, and 3 after. When you actually add up the number of months I was pregnant (with morning sickness), I should have ended up w/ a baby, darn it! (hey, I got gipped!) Anyway, I read about Stitchy's losses last year and 'tho I was too chicken to comment on her blog, I did spend some time reflecting on the fertility issue. And then she commented again early this year about the expected due date...I did that too (the due date thing), but I have tried not to look too much into the future...just in case.

I mean really. You spend your life thinking that everything works fine and with the advancement of modern science, there'll be no problem having children a bit later in life (you know, after you find that perfect person, after you have some time with that person, after you get your career going...). Hey, all your friends are having babies, right? There's lots of babies everywhere. But only to find out that for whatever mysterious reasons, you find that you can't get pregnant or stay pregnant past the first trimester. What's with that?!

Anyway, I didn't tell because folks are so happy when you tell them you're expecting, but if something happens, well, you've got to remember all the people you told and remember to let them know that you've lost the pregnancy ('cause you don't want them to make an awkward comment several months down the line). With z, we waited until 16 weeks to tell most of the family members!

I am super lucky 'tho. After a 30 plus hrs of labor that resulted from a failed induced labor (labor ended when the pitosin was removed) followed by an emergency c-section, I got the most wonderful son--who continues to amaze and challenge and (yes) sometimes frustrate me.

And we have (hopefully) a baby girl in May. See! I'm still cautious. I still worry about all the things that may go wrong in the pregnancy. Did I mention I've got gestational diabetes again? And this time, they tested me super early, so I'm already on meds to try to knock the numbers down. And there's the scary statistics about still births, etc. w/ GD that I don't think about. No, really, I try not to think about it.

I guess I envy all the women who are oblivious to these issues, where she gets pregnant, and can do all those Hallmark moment things like surprise the husband with the positive test, or the to-be grandparents with a cheesy t-shirt proclaiming 'grandpa' or 'grandma', eat all the icecream she wants... Nope, we're secretive for months and months and when we announce, there's always a little bit of fear that we're jinxing it somehow. I mean, we haven't even started thinking about a name yet.

Oh yes, there are friends that we still haven't told...are we lame or what?!